Have you ever opened your mouth and started rambling your inner-most thoughts out of frustration of a situation, only to find that once they come out, they just keep on flowing even when you realize as your speaking that what you're saying isn't meant to be voiced aloud yet - or perhaps ever? As the words continue to flow, you think of words to use that seem less harsh but it's too late, the words are out there and the truth (or what is portrayed as such) is out. It's like the dam crumbles and the raging torrent of flood waters spew forth and no amount of bubble gum is gonna patch the hole. Some things can never be unspoken, no matter how much we wish them to be.
That's what I did last night.
I said some things to someone I love dearly, because I honestly believed (based on other people's opinions, really) that it was in the best interest of this person - maybe even in the best interest of me - which certainly meant the best interest of all others involved. Only, as soon as the words came out of my mouth and had time to settle in the air a while, something just didn't *feel* right. I felt my stomach churning, my heart racing, and an overwhelming emptiness begin to surge. And while that other person, who will remain nameless, stood across from me obviously pained, I realized that the words I had just uttered were, indeed, terribly wrong but without another way to fix the dilemma at hand, I sat in still silence for the remainder of the evening trying to figure out a way to correct the damage.
Sleeping was difficult. I woke up unrefreshed and in more pain than I've been in recent days. I can only attribute all the physical pain I'm in to this recent emotional turmoil. Stress worsens the daily pain of Fibromyalgia and therefore must be minimized. My choice to speak out last night was brought about by frustration and a desperate need to remove a source of stress in my life. Of course I was consciously aware that in the background I have had much time to consult with friends and my therapist, and think about ways to adjust things but too many negative encounters had proven that some kind of action on my part was necessary. The problem now is that I don't entirely trust the words I spoke to be the full truth. I felt backed into a corner and honestly felt I had no choice but to say the only thing I thought could immediately remedy the situation. Here I am regretting every syllable.
I need to de-stress my life. My world around me has been churning like the angry, cluttered clouds of a tornado for a great number of years. Perhaps that is what got me to the unhealthy condition I'm now in, in part; the accumulated stress and anxieties from years of abuse, heartache, loss, and stifled emotions. It is no mystery to medical science how extreme amounts of stress can play a huge role on our bodies ability to heal and ward off disease. Granted, even in times of happiness and relatively care-free days I have had illness and poor health. I'm certain that the genetics plays its part too. My mother's side of the family is wrought with varying forms of cancer, arthritis, heart failure, diabetes, arthritis, lupus, and addiction - just to name a few. My father's promises a similar fate but includes digestive diseases, hearing loss, vision ailments, and mental health woes. Still, I wonder if my health would not be in the declining state it's in if it weren't for being a member of a dysfunctional family and having such a challenged upbringing and stress-filled adulthood?
Then again, I'm speculating on something that cannot be changed. Which does me no good. The question is, how do I de-stress my life without negatively impacting those I love? Do I discontinue ties with all who might be attributing to that stress? Even if in turn, they are my only form of support? Difficult to follow along if you're not in the know, I understand. But being as I'm really the only one who follows my own blog right now - I'm gonna run with it anyway.
The dilemma that I constantly come to in my life is being able to choose what's in my own best interest. I'm a people pleaser. I don't like to say "no" to others for fear of retaliation. I don't like to ask others for help for fear of rejection or judgement. And I don't like others to offer help to me, even when I'm in need of assistance because I feel vulnerable. Given my condition, this makes it very difficult for anyone to be supportive if there were anyone in mind to do so. Logically I know that I need to make adjustments to ease my discomfort but, typically doing that makes me feel useless, weak, and like my condition is in control - not me. I am known for putting my children first, which I believe is how it should be - even if doing so makes me have to take an extra three days to heal and rest. I have been told the flip side of this is that if I don't listen to my body's signals that I've been overdoing things that the kids will suffer more for my not having taken the time to rest than if I push myself and am forced to rest later on. I am learning to balance this on a daily basis and feel that I'm catching on.
With matters of the heart or emotions though, this is a much bigger challenge. How does one take a breather from emotional exhaustion? Especially when the physical condition of pain & daily stressors are taking a toll on you? And in respect to that, how does one decide what's in their best interest? How is that any different from being selfish? Is being selfish necessarily a bad thing in this case? And, what if what is right for me isn't in the best interest of someone else - or vice versa? Would it make me a bad person to resume as normal with that individual because the alternative of being without them makes my life feel sad and lonely? Anyone happen to know where the sands of time resides so I can go back and do it all over again, the right way?
I think I'm rambling in this post. I blame Fibrofog today. :P
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