I'm so tired and weary today. After having been up with my preschooler all night from restless nightmares, I was finally able to sneak off the edge (and I do mean the very edge, half mattress/half trundle frame - no pillow) of her bed at around 5:30am and crawl into my own bed only to be awakened less than an hour later by my 1 year old to nurse and get up for the day. No rest for the weary because then I was up to help my autistic 12yr old daughter bath, help fetch clothing outfits for the other kids, sign school papers, help answer homework questions and make breakfast for all. Rest after? Heck now! Once the older kids were out the door it was time to start laundry, do a load of dishes, attempt to pick up the toy clutter that had already begun creating a minefield upon my living room floor...and this afternoon I'm scheduled to volunteer with my 10 yr old's girl scout troop meeting.
Did I mention I slipped up on the stairs while trying to bring up a load of folded towels and twisted my knee?
It's days like today that I am painfully reminded of why rest and relaxation, stress management, and good self care are crucial to helping Fibromyalgia sufferers not suffer as much. Today, I feel like shit.
Sure, I considered calling the troop leader and canceling but at this point, I'm scheduled to be there in 2 hours and she'd hardly have enough time to find another volunteer. If she has no volunteer, with 12 girl scouts, she'd likely cancel, making me feel like an ass.
Guilt, that's another factor that comes into play with Fibromyalgia. Let's talk about guilt a little bit, shall we?
I feel guilty that I am not able to do all the things I want to do. It effects not only me, but my children, my significant other, my friends, my neighbors, my kids' teachers... the list goes on and on. Guilt is one of those things that Fibro sufferers are often told to "let go" of. Easier said than done! For me, it's either I feel guilty for NOT being able to do things for myself & for others - or - I go the other way and overdo things because of guilt and wind up feeling even guiltier later for being laid up for 3 days in a row (or longer) in order to recover.
The words, "It isn't fair!", has escaped my lips on more than one occasion I must admit. Sometimes in the form of screaming and yelling, other times in utter defeat and tearful whispers.
So how do I deal with guilt?
To be honest, it changes from day to day. Some days I give into it and work myself to the core until I just cannot physically move anymore. Usually I feel like I've at least accomplished something at the end of the day (sure, it may just be a load of laundry and a load of dishes - but hey, ya give what you can!). Other days, I rest up, doing only minimal tasks and spend whatever energy I have left on reading story books with my little ones and watching tv with the older kids once they come home from school. No matter what I do, I usually pray that the next day will be better and I'll try again when the sun comes up.
Last week I started my efforts in what I hope to be a very successful support group for the Vancouver area. My therapist is very enthusiastic and encouraging of this endeavor and I must admit, the prospect of having other Fibro survivors (I hate saying sufferers when I'm trying to speak in a positive light) to go to for emotional support and in turn, offer what support to them that I can give - is...well, empowering. So often we feel like we are out of control of our lives when faced with chronic pain/fatigue. These are my ways to take that control back! Writing and sharing with others...
Finding ways to empower thyself. At the very least, it's a step in the right direction to combating guilt.
Dinner is my next battle tonight. But that's another topic altogether. ;)
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