Even Rainclouds Can Produce the Most Beautiful Flowers

So, the blog is up and I'm still learning how to utilize it to it's fullest potential. Given I have like.. fewer readers than I can count on one hand - LOL -  I'm guessing that the support I expected to read here is going to have to come from within, through my own words. That's cool though, afterall, this is all about learning to live in a more positive manner.

Last Friday was spent primarily vegetating on the couch in between laundry loads and trying to keep up with my 3 & 1 year olds. Then the next day my time was spent, for the most part, making a run to a store called Relax the Back so that I could purchase this in hopes that it might help ease some of my pain. (I know what you're thinking and no, I couldn't afford it either! It was a gift). The rest of the past week has been spent formulating various plans, making phone calls, spending time with my kids, and deciding whether or not I had the energy to blog. You can tell how well that went. :P

It isn't that I haven't had anything to report. I've had some interesting happenings in my MOMS Club group, *started* cleaning my home which in turn...caused me to have a couple of unpleasant days in pain, I had a couples counseling appt and also my own therapy appointment, I started adding new ideas to my current list of "things I'd like to do in the next year to benefit my heatlh", and then as if that wasn't enough I decided to start up a Fibromyalgia Support Group in my county as there isn't one (much to the encouragement of my counselor). I'm just your average over-achiever. (No wonder I'm feeling worn down, right? LOL). OH, did I mention that we had a couple days of snow & ice? I LOVE snow, from the warmth of a cozy fireside with a blanket, a good cup of tea, and a book - but that's another topic. ;)

Ultimately my favorite part of my last week has been that my kids have been home with me. Honestly, if it weren't for my kids, I don't know where I'd be right now - but I know for certain that it wouldn't be a happy place. I love my children to my very core. You'll find as you read along that I'll be speaking of them often. They keep perspective in my life when I'm on my third day in a row on the couch and wishing I could just get a diagnosis of cancer so that I'd at least have an out. (I know - horrible sounding isn't it?) But seriously, they give me a reason to continue getting out of bed every morning. No matter how bad the pain gets, all it takes is a loving hug from my son, a silly giggle from one of my daughters, or a snuggle from my baby and I am reminded that they are my reason for being. <3

Speaking of my children, I suppose this is a good time to give them official nicknames so that I can keep their identities private while still having names to refer to them as for all of my readers, ya know - the ones I'll eventually have when my blog becomes famous for changing the lives of other chronic pain suffers. (*scoffs*)  But seriously, I am bound to be talking about them ALOT over the next... eternity...so, without further ado, let me introduce the loves of my life, the bits & pieces of my soul, and the very reason for my existence.

Boo is my only son. He is particularly special to me because it is he who first granted me the title of Mother. He is absolutely brilliant, kind, generous, a fantastic big brother, and a smart ass. I'm sure that last one is my fault and I'm not ashamed to take credit for it! :P  This year he is attending his last year of middle school so that he can continue on to high school. It makes me feel incredibly proud and, deeply sad that he's growing up so fast. It seems like just yesterday I was teaching him how to toddle around the house, how to eat with a fork, and how to ride his first two wheeler bicycle. Now he's far surpassed me as he is in an advanced curriculum of physics & calculus; classes I never advanced to even in college. He's also surpassed me in height, but I'll save that embarrassment for another post.

Flitterbee is my angel on earth. At a very young age she reacted severely to immunizations and not long after, began to lose most of her acquired social skills and then her ability to speak regressed back to baby babble (I prefer the term "Ewok talk" because I'm a nerd and that's what her small, cooing noises sounded like.) She has since been diagnosed with severe autism. This may be something you'd feel sorry for me about but I assure you there is nothing to be sorry for. She is so beautiful, a gentle spirit, playful & mischievous with never a mal-intent, curious and eager to learn, and her favorite thing is to get hugs, be tickled, or play tag. Who could possibly complain. Having her in my life has taught me invaluable lessons in patience, persistence, and humility. While I am not thankful that she will forever have to encounter the social ignorance and ugliness of humanity and all that it entails, I am grateful for her innocence and perfect spirit to keep reminding me of what life is really all about. 

Kitten is almost literally my Mini-Me. In fact images of me at each equivalent stage in her life make her appear as if I have a twin. Her personality and charm are so akin to how I was at her age. And before I forget to mention, she is so amazingly talented, artistic, musically inclined - and also just like her mom, her heart is worn on her sleeve for all to behold. Kitten has some stubborn pride issues (I wish I could say that wasn't passed on by me), and her recently diagnosed ADD gives her struggles with being ditzy and forgetful at times.

Pookie is my artsy, crafty, creative preschooler. She LOVES to sing, dance, wear pretty-princess clothes and girly leggings, and she is as sharp as a tack when it comes to calling me and her dad out on our shenanigans. She is amazingly bright! So much so that we had to enroll her into preschool at the age of three because she was craving to learn EVERYTHING there was to know! She knows her ABC's, most of her colors, can count to ten, and is learning how to add and subtract - all without the fad programs like "Your Baby Can Read". I'm very proud of her and she's such a joy to be around, with her gentle spirit and her eagerness to interact and make everyone around her smile and be happy. :)

Moonchkin is my baby. Well she isn't exactly a baby anymore as she's recently learned to walk just prior to her first birthday and now she's mastered how to climb onto (or INTO) just about anything that isn't taller than she is! LOL  She isn't talking yet but she points, gives eye contact, and responds to her name so I feel fairly confident that she won't have to struggle with any delays as her oldest sister has. (That's one thing about having subsequent children after having a child diagnosed on the spectrum, you're ALWAYS watching out for signs that the gene was passed on to more than one child.) Fortunately for her, she has a different father than Flitterbee and given HIS history of social oddities I believe it's safe to say that Moonchkin is in the clear!

I am often asked if I'm finished having children. I find that to be an offensive question because it is usually preempted with eyes bulging, eyebrows raised incredulously, and accompanied with an aire of "Geez, she's either Mormon or trying to "over-populate the planet"!  For the record, I was raised Mormon - and am VERY NOT Mormon anymore thanks to craptacular parentage and have no desire to overwhelm the planet with minature versions of myself. However, I DO have every right and intention of making up for my unhealthy and dysfunctional upbringing by creating a family of my own and raising them with morals, values, self-confidence, and an understanding that they will be loved unconditionally for the rest of their eternal lives.

There you have it. My reason for being. Flowers have been formed from my past rainclouds, and they are beautiful. <3

Believe it or not, it took me nearly a full week to complete this one post - let's see how I do next time! ;)

Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.
~Rabindranath Tagore

Creating Your Own Silver Linings...for Dummies

I haven't always been the healthiest person but I'd like to think that when compared to those who suffered from disabling or terminal conditions, I had it pretty good growing up. I had frequent ear infections as a child, caught the latest viral bugs going around school just the same as the next kid, sprained ankles, twisted knees, and the like. When I was 12 years old, everything in terms of my health changed after I received a diagnosis of mononucleosis/Epstein Barr virus.

I believe that mono was quite possibly the cause and the beginning of a great number of years of declining health. I'm sure the multitude of struggles in my life haven't exactly helped keep illness and emotional distress at bay.  To spare the drama and time consuming details all in one post (which will bore not only you to tears, but me as well) I will keep from sharing my lengthy list of symptoms for now. The short list is that over the past six years I've been seen by numerous doctors and so far have been diagnosed with "severe" Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Ulnar Tunnel, Sciatica, RLS, PTSD, Depression, and it seems that I have an underlying (and yet to be diagnosed) autoimmune disease.

However, over the past three years I've experienced a steady decline in my mood, my pain, and my overall health. I believe this to be, in part, because I haven't had adequate medical care. (This, of course, is a gross understatement but because I'm trying to keep this on a positive note today I'll refrain from ranting.) But also because also there is a vicious cycle when someone is ill with chronic pain. Persistent pain naturally causes a person to become more sedate and reclusive, being more sedate and reclusive in turn worsens the pain and increases depression which then contributes to more pain. Rinse, repeat. Inadequate care combined with the aforementioned vicious cycle equates to a very miserable existence. With five children, one of which has severe autism and two who are still very young (one age 3 and another age 13months) it is obvious that I don't have the time to waste on illness, pain, fatigue, or emotional distress. Afterall, mothering five kids offers that all on its own!

I have allowed the chaos to take control of me long enough. I'm done with begging craptacular doctors to give me the respect and time I deserve. I'm frustrated with all the blood tests, urine samples, MRI's, and other diagnostic testing that doesn't prove anything more than that my body is a complicated pool of something being wrong, only to then hear a doctor say, "Something is definitely wrong, we just don't know what yet." I'm weary of the self-defeating behaviors that stem from those dismal doctor appointments that aren't helping me feel any better and only worsen my anxiety and feelings of guilt. Modern medicine is doing very little, if not worsening, my condition and if I'm going to improve my situation, I have to take matters into my own hands. Consider this my official announcement to all friends, family and the cyberfolk who happen to pass this way; today I am taking a stand and I would greatly appreciate any support or words of encouragement as I push ahead and move forward with alternative treatments.

Within six months I hope to have completed, will be continuing with, or have at least tried the following in an effort to lessen my depression & anxieties, ease my pain, improve my overall health, and ultimately take control back of my life! After those six months, I'll revisit and re-evaluate my next step. My hope is to make a positive step in the right direction. Feel free to comment, commiserate, share your own stories, or just lurk. Your job, if you so choose to accept it, is to be my support system and in turn, I hope to be your inspiration. All I ask is that you please be respectful and gentle in your criticisms. I'll warn you now that I can be a chatterbox and won't always make sense but I will do my best to answer questions and respond to posts.

And now for my plan:

1) I am starting a blog (and here it is!) to document my journey through my healing process both physically and emotionally. Obviously the healing is really only in the beginning stages so bear with me as I work on less negativity and more positivity. This will help me keep on track , will assist me in keeping positive and

2) I will get a 30-60 minute massage (depending on financial limitations) at least 2 times per month to assist in minimizing pain and stress. In between, I will utilize hot baths and/hot tubs as available.

3) I will strive for a minimum of 30 minutes each day for myself to de-stress. This may seem like an easy task but trust me, it will likely be one of my greatest challenges.

4) I will make efforts to improve my sleep and my quality of sleep. The use of a regular schedule, melatonin, relaxation techniques, and music will all be accessed as needed.

5) I will improve my organization and time management skills and get them back on track to help alleviate stress and so that I do not overbook myself. This will include using the word, "No. I'm not able to do that." when I need to rather than feeling bad for having thought of declining to help someone else out with something. (Yeah, so that's the plan but with five kids and loads of self-guilting...LOL We'll see how well I do after the first week! :P )

6) Once pain is diminished enough to allow for improved mobility, I will enroll myself in either a Yoga or Tai Chi class (one that is designed for arthritis patients)

7) I will save up money to see a GOOD Rheumatologist (if you have any good references, please let me know!) outside of my insurance and present him/her with all my blood test results, my list of symptoms, and a very held back tongue and see if I can get more answers without him/her knowing beforehand that I have already been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I have my suspicions that once a Dr knows you have that, they really don't care to bother finding out what ELSE may exist, potentially missing vital diagnoses.

I can already tell that this blogging stuff is going to take some getting used to. It is 9:30 at night and I began this single post sometime around 10:30 this morning. Gotta love distractions! :P